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1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.




Noah is on the ark with all his animals. Finally, they land on Mount Arafat, and gleefully skip down onto the grass. Noah spreads out his arms, and says to them all "Be fruitful, and multiply!". The next month, all is bliss. The calves graze in the meadows, the ducklings swim on the retreating flood water, the puppies and kittens play happily. The only miserable animals left are two snakes. Noah spots them, and goes to see what the problem is. "We haven't any little snakes... we're starting to think you should never have let us on the ark. Still, if you'd just cut down some branches from that tree, it might be alright..." Noah obligingly chops down the tree, and leaves the snakes to it. Next month, he returns, to find Mr and Mrs Snake blissfully happy with lots of little snakelets. "I'm glad for you" says Noah. "But tell me, did I help at all?" "Oh yes" says the snake. "We're Adders. We need logs to multiply..."




Two atoms were sitting in a bar, and the first atom says to the second atom, "I think I lost an electron."

The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"

The first atom replies, "I'm positive."




The Mean Tone Tuning Scale: It Hertz!




Back in the day when sliced bread was a new invention, a baker had a problem. He needed to increase his output because everybody wanted their bread sliced. He found a cleaver that would cut two loaves of bread at one time, but it wasn't enough. He got one that would slice three loaves, but he still was having trouble. Finally, his luck changed; he found a four-loaf cleaver!




When he was told that he should bathe his pigs to keep them clean, the farmer grunted, "That's a load of hogwash!"




The majority of tourists that visit Egypt are senior citizens. Egypt must be a senile experience.




Scientists recently tried to duplicate the DNA of a famous figure skater, but ended up with an ice cream clone.




Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender looks them over, then says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."


Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

It's rated AAAARRRRRRR!




A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his pants.

The bartender says, "hey, you know you have a steering wheel stuck on your dick!"

The pirate says. "aaarrr! it's driving me nuts!"




Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms!




What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.




Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion




There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.

Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."




Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

52 cards: 1 decacards

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League




WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS:

Lying under your car?
Jack

Lying on your doorstep?
Matt

Floating in the ocean?
Bob

2 of them hanging around in the bathroom?
Curt and Rod

Pulled behind a boat?
Skip

On a Ledge?
Cliff

In a Hole?
Phil

Sitting on a grill with his wife?
Frank and Patty

In a pot of boiling water?
Stu!




BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.




How do you tell the difference between a male and female chromosome?

Pull down their genes.




A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop. The blonde replies, "Those are my emergency flashers!"




safe sex.. get it?




The two major presidential canidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However - they disagree on the details.
The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice-president Al Gore, his Democrat opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.




A small Maine town was looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular town hall meeting. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.

"Crap," said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.




This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.

"What the heck are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail" says the guy.

"But... you have a girl on your back" replies the host.

"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"




Clones are people, two!

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Air-Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

Anything free is worth what you paid for it.

Atheism is a non-prophet Organization.

Chemistry professors never die; they just smell that way!

COLE'S LAW: Slice cabbage thinly.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Gene Police: YOU... Out of the pool!

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested - charged with battery.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.




Mayonnaise

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.




A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies...

... "You just happened to catch my eye."




Punny Potatoes

We all know that potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato only have eyes for each other. One day, they had a little one, who is a real Sweet Potato whom they named Yam. Mr. and Mrs. Potato want all the best in life for their little girl, and they warned her about getting Mashed at wild parties and end up with a bad reputation like Hot Potato, and worst still end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. But little Yam told her parents not to worry, that no Spud will get her till she is ready and she will not soil her reputation like the other potatoes who advertise themselves on trucks and billboards as Frito Lay. But she will not stay home and become a couch potato either. She will eat an proper diet and exercise as to not end up looking like her cousins - the Shoe String Potatoes. Mr. and Mrs. Potato also warn Yam about traveling to Europe, and especially watch out for those greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and that when she does go out West, watch out for the Indians or she will be scalloped. Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam off to Idaho P.U. (that is Potato University) because that is where all the Big Potatoes came from, so when she graduates she will be in the chips.

All is well the family life of the Potatoes till one day Yam brought her fiancÚ home, telling her parents she intends to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and very much against this union. They told Yam that Walter is not right for her because he is only a Common-Tater!




Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"




The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"




A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man ... where did the rest of the puns go?